11 Tips for Working at Home Alongside Your Partner During the Coronavirus Pandemic

March 20, 2020
Working from home struggles

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With shelter-in-place orders becoming all the rage among government officials, more and more couples are being forced to work alongside each other at home. To this end, The New Yorker just published 11 tongue-in-cheek (but still pretty realistic!) tips for how to work at home when your partner's always around:

  1. Be creative. Pretend your home is a WeWork, except with fewer kombucha stations and more people wandering around without pants on. Nod cooly to each other in the shared kitchen space. Passive-aggressively throw out your wife’s Chobani because it was not properly labeled.
  2. Set respectful boundaries. If you live in a house, one person should work upstairs, the other downstairs. If you live in an apartment, one person should work in the kitchen, the other in the office. If you live in an apartment with a child, one person should work in the bedroom, while the other quietly begins divorce proceedings.
  3. Don’t get sloppy! Be sure to dress each morning in power suits and elaborate wigs. This will lend an air of professionalism to the day and help you to forget that this is the same person you just glimpsed sitting on the toilet watching Colbert on an iPad.
  4. Communicate. Take a break every afternoon to meet in the living room for a snack and some light screaming.
  5. Remember to find time for intimacy. Make love in every room of the house. And by “make love,” I mean lean anxiously against various pieces of furniture while scrolling on your phones and saying things like “Did you see what Trump said now?” and “I told you we needed more Lysol.”
  6. Be proactive, to avoid bickering. During lunch breaks, hold a sharp object to the base of your husband’s spine, thereby encouraging him to try to chew a sandwich without sounding like a wild fucking boar tearing into a herd of flamingos.
  7. Keep it sexy! Play secretary: Have your husband wear a pencil skirt and slowly bend over to fetch you the Apple remote.
  8. Keep it real! Play lawsuit: Have him sue you for sexual harassment.
  9. Practice social-media distancing. If your partner posts something on Twitter, you should post something on Instagram. If your partner posts something on TikTok, roll your eyes and remind her that she’s forty-five. If your partner posts something on Tinder, pay your attractive neighbor a visit, to borrow a hammer.
  10. End each day with a fun team-building exercise. Play “two truths and a lie.” Then sigh heavily, because you both already know every single  thing about each other. Wine.